Relationship Advice From Yours Truly

My aforementioned friend Eric (again, not his real name) and I had a lengthy phone conversation over the weekend. I think he needed to vent to someone, and I didn’t mind listening. I don’t think he has many people to turn to so it was no problem for him to vent to me. He asked me a strange question: “How do you get so lucky with women?”

“Huh?” I replied. That’s all I could say. I’ve never been lucky with women. I’ve had two relationships in my entire life. I’ve only been intimate with three women. I don’t know anything about talking to women unless it’s online and as I get older I’m getting more and more rusty in that department. I had no clue what he meant by “lucky with women.” He mentioned my previous ex, which I’ve mentioned already. She and I ended things because she sprung it on me that she wanted children and that’s a definite “no” for me. He then brought up someone I’d forgotten about that came after my ex.

Nothing was really official with this girl. We talked, flirted, etc., but there was never any kind of definite relationship between the two of us. Things ended pretty badly between us if I’m being honest. Being honest is what ended whatever we may have had anyway. She asked my opinion on something, I was truthful, she got pissed and told me that she didn’t think we should speak anymore.

I don’t know if it’s my age or what, but I’ve gotten where I just don’t give a shit anymore. He may be looking for the love of his life, but I simply stopped giving a fuck. I obviously know fuck all about women. I have no idea how to approach them. Women and I have this kind of mutual understanding: they leave me alone and I leave them alone. It works out perfectly, really. I’ve never been married, therefore I’ve never been divorced. I can’t have children so I don’t have to pay child support to a woman. Overall this whole not-talking-to-or-getting-involved-with-women scheme I’ve got going on is working quite well for me. If it’s women you want then you’ve come to the wrong place as far as talking to me about them. I don’t know what to tell you.

Don’t be yourself because eventually they’re going to find something out about the real you that they don’t like and drop you like a bad habit.

Don’t lie to them because they’re going to find out.

Don’t be honest, either. Honesty is just going to make them hate and resent you.

So what advice did I offer Eric?

Just stick to porn. It’s there when you need it, and when you’re done you can turn it off and go about your day. It works out fine for me since I don’t have to do any talking and I’m not being awkward at all. It doesn’t judge me. It doesn’t have to see me naked. I also don’t particularly care for having sex since I don’t like other people touching me so masturbation is perfect for me.

That’s the only relationship advice I can give anyone: watch porn. You won’t get your heartbroken and once you’ve had your orgasm, you can sleep soundly at night.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go have a wank and a cigarette.

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