I don’t know if you know what it’s like to be aware of what tomorrow is going to bring for the most part and still be terrified of it. I know what I’m going to do every day. There are no surprises and I prefer it that way. Surprises aren’t always good. A part of me prefers the monotony of my life. It’s safer. I think I’ve mentioned that I’ve become more and more of a shut-in as of late. I would rather not go anywhere and risk getting injured or worse. What a contradiction coming from someone who wishes they’d never been born in the first place. Just because I wish for non-existence doesn’t mean I want to die at the moment.
I’ve mentioned before how death never bothered me until recently. Now it’s all I can think about. It’s why I stay in the house. It’s why I don’t venture out more. I’m terrified of trying anything new. I hate going new places, unfamiliar places. I hate that I’ve gotten this way and I don’t know what to do about it.
I dread when friends ask me if I want to do something because that means I’m going to have to step out of the comfort of my own home where I feel safe. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I leave. Any number of things can go wrong and I start playing these scenarios out in my head over and over again. We could get in a wreck. We could get robbed. We could get shot by some asshole that wants to be famous by killing a few dozen people. See? Any number of things can go wrong out there.
I don’t think I can truly convey how real this fear is of mine. Any time I do manage to work up the courage (and believe me, it takes a lot for me) to go out somewhere I’m looking for the nearest exits in the event something goes horribly wrong. I have friends in other countries that I’d love to visit, but I’m afraid I never will because all I can think about is the plane crashing into the ocean and myself drowning even though someone assured me I’d be dead before I’d actually drown, but still … given my recent paranoia that something terrible is going to happen to me or a loved one, I don’t want to risk anything.
This all leads to such a boring life for me now. I dread when people want to play catch up with me. “What have you been up to as of late?”
“Me? Oh, nothing. I sit at home in constant fear, afraid to go out into the world because I don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next. I could get shot, stabbed, run over by a car. I also drive myself crazy because I have no control over what happens in the lives of those I care about, and I have to live with the knowledge that at any moment someone I love can be snatched away from me, but enough about me. How about you? How have you been? I hear you’re doing quite well for yourself while I’ve been having nervous breakdowns for the past three or four months. What’s it like to live a normal life and not dread what’s coming tomorrow?”
Should I Kill Myself or Have a Cup of Coffee? 
You’d asked what’s it like to have a normal life, well my friend, I’m not really sure myself. I do know living in constant fear must be terrible, and I wish I had some wise advice, but you know me, so wise isn’t part of my being. I have a number of fears myself, most just worrying how my wife and I will get by from day to day, month to month. Dayum, I hate when I run out of words… it’s been a slow month so far! I wish you well my friend, I’m sure better days are coming, or the apocalypse is!
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I was watching this docco about dino-bird-saws – because that’s what they should be called – especially with those teeth. It wasn’t long before I thought that the chances of us being here are really really slim, if those things hadn’t been asteroided – then their descendants ice-aged – three times, then we wouldn’t be here because to those things we are walking burgers with no defences other than a choking hazard.
It is a significant bit of luck that brings us to being alive, that and all the horrible things that happen once you grow to be something horrible people want to devour in other ways – BTK sort of thing or just plain marry and impregnate. So in an oddly contradictory way this made me free, I think the odds of me – or you – being here are laughably remote – and let me tell you I’m a maths genius and so I know – zillions to one. But here we are and even if I am in the shittest city on earth with nothing much to do I got up at 5 am to type this because they are 4 hours and sixty years behind here. It should be 830.
Even with all this, when I feel like crap and woke up with Vicarious playing in my head I still feel like there is fortune – as in the old goddess – in this. My jumper and my socks feel snug, the sky is intense but warming, I’ll wander aimlessly today and probably find something to occupy myself which is a hell of a lot better than running from something.
Sorry for the hippiness but it’s as difficult to me to convey ‘despite everything’ contentment too.
I don’t know how much dread you feel, and I don’t want to sound like I’m brushing it off or telling you it’ll go away with 5 easy skin care tips – it won’t. Dread is a place and it’s as long a way there as it is back, there’s no map or signs and we all have a tailor made version. Its mainly made by our mind and who better to keep us there than us?
When I was there – in mine – couldn’t conceive of a way out – that was the worst part, how do you get out of everywhere? I’d find that the safe places got smaller – suburb – places I knew – friends houses – my house – the kitchen. The kitchen was safer than the bedroom because there was more windows – I could see in 3 directions and there were two doors. Doors though, they lead out and out wasn’t where I wanted to be. If I could have hid in a bag I would have.
The thing I needed – wanted was a reason – something to be or want to be. It took a long time – years – but I got there. I started with things that occupied my mind, reading, writing and I got a cheap camera to take photos on walks – so I had a reason to go on walks and they didn’t become excursions into doom – I was looking for thing to shoot rather than concentrating on what was going to eat me.
Mind you, it’s been a long time since someone ate me, I should go wax.
I heard this recently and it made me snort laugh – even Prometheus was let off early. You’ll know what I mean xx
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So I read this entire comment and was preparing to comment on it in a completely different way until I got to “Mind you, it’s been a long time since someone ate me, I should go wax.” I just chortled at that remark and completely forgot what I was going to say. Anyway, you want to come over and help me smoke some of this shit that I’ve got?
I do try to find different ways to keep my mind occupied, but sometimes I kind of run out of stuff to do and then I’m stuck with my thoughts all over again and I’m not sure what to do once again. I’m left staring at the ceiling at night, wondering what tomorrow is going to bring, and dreading it. I just kind of want to space out with the snap of my fingers, have my mind be a complete blank and not think of anything. I wish I knew how people meditate. I’ve tried but have never quite managed to figure it out.
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It’s either a part of my charm or why I have been to jail – that I can’t seem to hold seriousity for very long.
Dude! I could do with a smoke, I’m in the most boring place on earth with the least evolved monkeys too.
Surprisingly difficult isn’t it to dry and distract your mind after it’s worn a rut into your thoughts? My advice is keep at it, eventually you’ll get out of it – or end up rocking back and forward muttering – either way it’s a win right?
I tried meditation, I think it only works on chickens – everyone else is lying. I suspect those of us who can’t meditate are much smarter and I’m going to run with that. That and a chicken satay – did you ever notice cute things taste yummy? Cows, piglets, lambs and chickens – yum. I think it’s something like getting your mind to concentrate on something so minor that it goes into a kind of trance – meditation.
The kind I tried was sitting in a dimly lit room, comfortably on a bed, eyes closed and repeating 1,2,3,4,5 over and over while being aware of my breathing. I eventually got the hang of it but mainly it put me to sleep, whatever meditation is I don’t think I got there, not to the zen bit anyway.
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