I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and laid everything on the table that had been bothering me. I was honest, which I never have been in the past with any psychologist or psychiatrist I’ve had … not fully anyway. I have to fill out a little questionnaire every time I’m sitting in the waiting room as I wait for her to call me into her office. “On a scale of 0 – 3, how are you feeling today?”
“On a scale of 0 – 3, how hard was it getting out of bed for you?”
Things of that nature. Three being the most difficult. I answered three on everything except the suicide question because I know from past experiences that when you’re feeling suicidal, you never want to tell someone you’re feeling suicidal. I wouldn’t even tell any of you I’m feeling suicidal. One day you just won’t hear from me anymore. Deal? Deal.
If you’ve been following my blog then you’ll know things haven’t been going as smoothly as I’d like. I told her this much. She asked what had been going on. I sat back and took a deep breath and was forthright. “I just wake up every day and think that I’m done with this whole thing,” as I motioned with my arms. “This whole life bullshit. I’m done. I’ve had enough. I’m not going to kill myself when I get home. I’m not going to kill myself tomorrow or next week. I’m just done with life and what it has to offer. I’m not impressed. I get the gist. We wake up to do the same thing day in and day out, especially me. Nothing ever changes. Everything stays the same. The only thing that changes for me is what kind of confrontation I’m going to have with my grandmother that day because she doesn’t know what reality is anymore.”
It’s nearly impossible for me to get out of bed most days. I have to drag myself out of bed. The first time I do it is to just take a piss, but then I climb right back in and go back to sleep. All I’m doing is looking for an escape, and I told her that much. I just want out. I don’t know what it is to be happy and I’m not sure if I’ve ever known that. She asked if I could go back and change anything at all what would I have changed to set things on a different course to happiness. “I would have told my parents to use a rubber because I sure as shit didn’t ask to be brought into this world.” I think that’s where the problem starts. Too often we have people bringing in other people who are full of emotional and mental issues that they were born with and that could have been prevented by just not being here in the first place. Now we’re stuck here unless we decide to check ourselves out or someone or something does it for us. At this moment in time I lack the constitution for suicide, but in a few years’ time … who knows?
Anhedonia is a real bitch. I was thinking that was I was walking my dog an hour ago. I miss my old dog Denver. I miss how he’d wake me up, excited and ready to go for walks. I miss everything about that dog. I have a dog now that I ended up with just because I have a soft spot for dogs in general and she was being treated poorly by her owner. She’s the opposite of me. She loves people, but doesn’t like other dogs. I love dogs, but don’t like other people. I can’t introduce her to other dogs and hope they’ll enjoy each other’s company because she wants to be a cunt. I was walking her earlier and just thinking, “I just wish I could get rid of you.” I felt terrible for thinking that, but at times I’d like to take her to a no-kill animal shelter, but then I’d feel like an asshole and I’d feel that way for the rest of my life because I’d just be one more person in that dog’s life that gave up on her. It’s just not the same with her as it was with Denver. I want Denver back, but that’s not going to happen. His ashes are going to continue to sit in the urn in the living room and all I have are memories.
That’s something else people say that doesn’t help ever. “At least you have all those good memories with him.” Those good memories just start to remind me of what a great dog I had and how he’s no longer here anymore. Memories aren’t always a good thing. They’re rarely a good thing because they remind you of a point in your life when things were better and then you shake your head and realize you’re no longer in that moment anymore. It has passed and it’s never coming back, but you have to keep going on without it.
Am I making progress with my therapy? I don’t know. It’s nice to have someone to talk to and I’m glad I was able to get my meds refilled. I’ve been without them for a while now so I’ll get them refilled at some point today and get back to you once they’ve worked their way back into my system. At this point, right here, right now, I just want to be in a coma for a few months. I want complete and total silence and darkness. I don’t want to be conscious or think about anything. I started to ask my doctor to prescribe me some kind of drug – any kind of drug – to just make me feel … nothing.
Should I Kill Myself or Have a Cup of Coffee? 
I have nothing, absolutely fucking nothing… I wish I did. Well I have a headache, I think my ponytail is wrapped too tight. Ima’ going to have a coffee, and hope you soon get the meds running through and they help.
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I have nothing, absolutely fucking nothing… as a comment, I do have a headache, I think my ponytail is too tight!
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I need a spliff and a stiff drink is what I need … and some strong narcotics.
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Its the tedium of things that gets me, the sameness of every day when I am in a rut. I haven’t had that for a while, because of uni and being out here in the outback. most things now seem to be geared towards making us hate life, tv, news, even the internodes it’s all about how shitty people are and obviously the ones preaching that have an answer – their way. Even if you stop looking at that it seeps in, I’m a big fan of sleeping too but the sun rises here at 20 to five in the morning. That’s horrific for someone who doesn’t go to bed until late because night is when I feel awake.
Pot is a saviour and it’s amusing to me that even if it’s illegal I can get it almost anywhere, I’ve always thought highly of smokers vs non-smokers and I’m right damn it, non-smokes are soulless beasts.
You sound a little better to me but it’s maybe because I just like knowing you’re there in American land 🙂
Dogs are way better than people even dogs that don’t like other dogs and I think they are every bit as unique as any other life form, so I’m very sorry about Denver he sounds like he was a great person/dog.
It’d be nice to sleep for a long time, if I didn’t have this thing I’m doing I’d be in a bleak place, I need purpose and something involved to do or I quickly go ratty. It’s very thin advice I know, but it helps me and has helped in the past to have little projects, thoughts was a bit like that for me, that year I spent in the country, going back to high school then doing uni. I highly don’t recommend dating people are uniformly stupid and annoying to be around for too long, plus they usually try to fuck you in a way that isn’t pleasant, figuratively and literally.
I’m extra cranky today because I’m basically here for not a lot, I don’t have the programming skills to help my team but I have to be here for the credits. So I help out with menial data input and scrubbing, I’ve read everything readable including some health care pamphlets in the women’s look about STI’s which made me laugh – out here? Pffft. I also stupidly went out yesterday in the mid day sun with shorts and a tank on a and now parts of me are a kind of red visible from low orbit.
Today I’m going to wear a burka and walk out past the security cameras are smoke 4 joints then come back and pass out watching Letterkenny which I recently discovered, I might move there if I don’t get a job looks like a great place.
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The sameness of every day gets to me as well. It’s the same feeling I was getting when I worked at this factory job where I’d watch yarn fall into a box for eight hours a night. I hate knowing that each day is going to be exactly like the last. There’s no surprise, no excitement, no nothing. I’m just kind of stuck with nothing stimulating. I’m re-reading Infinite Jest for the second time, though. I’m really reading and researching it this time around, getting a better feel for the characters and what they go through. It’s amazing how much I can connect with a lot of the characters in the book, especially this one by the name of Kate Gompert who is describing what depression is like. It was spot on for me.
I’ve been self-medicating with my Klonopin and people have started to notice, which isn’t a good thing. I’ve never been good with hiding when I’m high or drunk. Maybe that can be a challenge I can work on: get completely and utterly fucked up and see if anyone notices.
I stay fucked up because of the monotony of life. I don’t want to face this shit sober. There’s a reason people do drugs and drink. It’s an easy escape. In Infinite Jest people use drugs, drink, and even use entertainment as their ways of escaping. I think we do that in life as well. That’s why we have televisions with so many channels. That’s why we have the internet and social media and porn. We’re all just trying to distract ourselves from our own lives.
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I’d written a long rambling reply and for some reason WordPress ate it, I guess it hates Australians, I further suppose that wordpress is a Flat-Earther and believes I am an actor pretending to be me which I can’t imagine anyone either being envious of or aspiring to, let alone thinking up as a character. I blame underwear, if we didn’t wear it then none of this would have happened.
I hear you on the monotony front, it’s easier to remain calm when you have something to distract you, when that isn’t there it’s just you and the inner voice, mine is both a bitch and a good shot. I wish I could suggest something like what I did to fix my ills, but I won’t try and pick stuff out of the air, that’s just patronising. Given at the moment I have little to do and smoke twice as much as I usually do just for something to do and try not to roll my eyes when the good people were give me advice on longevity. Pfft as if I’d want to be on this planet more than another couple of decades. Tripping over my boobs and peeing when I sneeze? No thanks.
I was lucky having grown up in the city when I went out to the country it was utterly fascinating, so I was easily distracted, even here it’s like another world so I manage to keep the dark at bay fairly easily. And ultimately that’s what I recommend do what you have to do, do what you feel you need to and if anyone gets annoying leave and go to your room.
I’m very sorry about Denver, like you said dogs are unique and sure most of them are better than people they also are completely different from one to another. When you have a dog that loves you that is enough.
Good books are useful I think because for a few hours you can take a drive in someone else’s skin, be in place that are out of reach or beyond the day to day, also highly useful. Whatever works, but also don’t worry either if you just want to bail and sleep, that’s good too.
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