I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and laid everything on the table that had been bothering me. I was honest, which I never have been in the past with any psychologist or psychiatrist I’ve had … not fully anyway. I have to fill out a little questionnaire every time I’m sitting in the waiting room as I wait for her to call me into her office. “On a scale of 0 – 3, how are you feeling today?”
“On a scale of 0 – 3, how hard was it getting out of bed for you?”
Things of that nature. Three being the most difficult. I answered three on everything except the suicide question because I know from past experiences that when you’re feeling suicidal, you never want to tell someone you’re feeling suicidal. I wouldn’t even tell any of you I’m feeling suicidal. One day you just won’t hear from me anymore. Deal? Deal.
If you’ve been following my blog then you’ll know things haven’t been going as smoothly as I’d like. I told her this much. She asked what had been going on. I sat back and took a deep breath and was forthright. “I just wake up every day and think that I’m done with this whole thing,” as I motioned with my arms. “This whole life bullshit. I’m done. I’ve had enough. I’m not going to kill myself when I get home. I’m not going to kill myself tomorrow or next week. I’m just done with life and what it has to offer. I’m not impressed. I get the gist. We wake up to do the same thing day in and day out, especially me. Nothing ever changes. Everything stays the same. The only thing that changes for me is what kind of confrontation I’m going to have with my grandmother that day because she doesn’t know what reality is anymore.”
It’s nearly impossible for me to get out of bed most days. I have to drag myself out of bed. The first time I do it is to just take a piss, but then I climb right back in and go back to sleep. All I’m doing is looking for an escape, and I told her that much. I just want out. I don’t know what it is to be happy and I’m not sure if I’ve ever known that. She asked if I could go back and change anything at all what would I have changed to set things on a different course to happiness. “I would have told my parents to use a rubber because I sure as shit didn’t ask to be brought into this world.” I think that’s where the problem starts. Too often we have people bringing in other people who are full of emotional and mental issues that they were born with and that could have been prevented by just not being here in the first place. Now we’re stuck here unless we decide to check ourselves out or someone or something does it for us. At this moment in time I lack the constitution for suicide, but in a few years’ time … who knows?
Anhedonia is a real bitch. I was thinking that was I was walking my dog an hour ago. I miss my old dog Denver. I miss how he’d wake me up, excited and ready to go for walks. I miss everything about that dog. I have a dog now that I ended up with just because I have a soft spot for dogs in general and she was being treated poorly by her owner. She’s the opposite of me. She loves people, but doesn’t like other dogs. I love dogs, but don’t like other people. I can’t introduce her to other dogs and hope they’ll enjoy each other’s company because she wants to be a cunt. I was walking her earlier and just thinking, “I just wish I could get rid of you.” I felt terrible for thinking that, but at times I’d like to take her to a no-kill animal shelter, but then I’d feel like an asshole and I’d feel that way for the rest of my life because I’d just be one more person in that dog’s life that gave up on her. It’s just not the same with her as it was with Denver. I want Denver back, but that’s not going to happen. His ashes are going to continue to sit in the urn in the living room and all I have are memories.
That’s something else people say that doesn’t help ever. “At least you have all those good memories with him.” Those good memories just start to remind me of what a great dog I had and how he’s no longer here anymore. Memories aren’t always a good thing. They’re rarely a good thing because they remind you of a point in your life when things were better and then you shake your head and realize you’re no longer in that moment anymore. It has passed and it’s never coming back, but you have to keep going on without it.
Am I making progress with my therapy? I don’t know. It’s nice to have someone to talk to and I’m glad I was able to get my meds refilled. I’ve been without them for a while now so I’ll get them refilled at some point today and get back to you once they’ve worked their way back into my system. At this point, right here, right now, I just want to be in a coma for a few months. I want complete and total silence and darkness. I don’t want to be conscious or think about anything. I started to ask my doctor to prescribe me some kind of drug – any kind of drug – to just make me feel … nothing.