I got diagnosed as having bipolar 2 disorder a few years ago. Not as extreme as bipolar 1 disorder, but it still sucks. With bipolar 1 you have manic episodes, which can lead to being extremely happy or extremely angry. You may also experience hallucinations. Manic episodes last for about two weeks. Manic episodes are followed by depression, which is why bipolar disorder is sometimes described as a “roller coaster disorder.” Manic episodes are more than simply feeling happy or angry; they can make you delusional or paranoid. My dad had bipolar 1 disorder and committed suicide when I was 17. My sister also has bipolar 1 disorder.
I, on the other hand, have the less severe form, which is bipolar 2 disorder. I don’t have mania. I don’t have hallucinations or anger issues. I’m ususally on an even keel until I bottom out and just don’t want to get out of bed, don’t want to do anything, don’t want to live. I have racing thoughts and can be easily distracted, which is why sometimes my blogs are all over the place. I also have a decreased need for sleep and when I bottom out all I want to do is sleep. Here recently I haven’t been getting any sleep. I’m awake now and have been since yesterday morning around 8. I’m unable to sit still, which when I visit my mom it makes her nervous. “Did you bring your pills or weed with you?” she’ll ask. I’ll tell her “yes” and she’ll tell me to either go take my pills or go smoke so I can chill out. The weed also helps with my sleep. Unfortunately for me I don’t have a lighter at the moment so that’ll be something I need to go get at some point today.
At times I feel very happy, but other times I get very irritable. People around me can be having normal conversations. No one is talking loud and in my head I want to scream, “Will everyone just shut the fuck up?!” I also know I spend more money when in a hypomanic episode, which I don’t need to do. I try to watch my money and spend it wisely, but it doesn’t always work that way. I’m glad I just recently got paid.
I don’t think I have to explain what depression feels like. Weeks go by and you just don’t feel like there’s a point to life. I’m in the car with someone and think, “I could easily grab the wheel and swerve into oncoming traffic.” I’ve had my guns taken from me a couple of times because I was on the verge of suicide. I’ve called the suicide hotline a number of times just to have someone who was a total stranger talk to me because I felt like a friend or family member wouldn’t get it.
I used to drown my sorrows with alcohol, but that didn’t help and just left me with a bad hangover the next day, which made me feel worse. I used to pop pills, any pills I could find. I just wanted to numb myself out and escape for a while.
I don’t know why I’m telling all of you this. You’re strangers on the internet. I could off myself later today or tomorrow and you wouldn’t know any different. Life would go on as it always has for you. Just someone on some blogging site stopped blogging one day. I’m not at that point at the moment thankfully. I just want this dark cloud over my head to go away. I just want to sleep. I just want to feel at peace.