Overdose

I’ll take one
‘Cause I needed to feel it so much
I had an emotional crutch
But I’m feeling bored
So I’ll take some more
Cause nothing is happening
And once you told me you loved me so much
I foolishly began to trust
But now I’m ignored
And I’m taking more
Till something is happening.
I’ll take one ’cause I needed to feel it so much
I needed that thing we call fun
But now I’m ignored
And I’ll take some more
‘Til something is happening
Cause once I thought you were right here with me
So maybe I’ll take two or three
Until I believe
That what I have seen
Is really happening.
Morpheus!
How could you leave me when I had need of your love?
Stop holding back!
Give me one reason to think you’re decent
When I am alone
Alone
Alone
Don’t you ever try to bring me back
With this one

Drinking Bourbon that Isn’t Mine

Technically it’s mine since I bought it, but I bought it for my cousin’s kid. He’s 20, which is not the legal drinking age here. It’s 21. I hold the belief though that if you’re able to go and die in a war that you don’t believe in then you should be able to get plastered (even while going to die in the war you don’t believe in.) So I bought the kid a bottle of Wild Turkey.

We had every intention of partaking tonight, but I wasn’t feeling it today for the most part. I woke up in a shit mood, just one of my moods that I have. I had a doctor’s appointment with my neurologist and we discussed my migraines and seizures. I had had a migraine the night before and informed her of this so I’m switching meds again. The medication she is putting me on comes with some serious side effects so I’m a bit concerned about that, but we’ll see how it turns out.

I got home and popped a couple of my anti-anxiety meds and smoked some weed just to see if it’d put me in a better mood. It did after a while, but it also made me tired. I fell asleep around 5 and woke up around 9. Now I’m awake and bored. My cousin nor his kid seem to be anywhere around so I just said, “Fuck it. I bought the booze so I’m drinking it.” Sorry, kid. You missed out. I’ll get him some more eventually, but tonight is my night to drink and forget whatever is ailing me.

I don’t even know why I’m blogging right now seeing as I have nothing to say. I jotted down a lot of my thoughts in my journal earlier and pretty much said everything that was going on in my head. I wonder about when I die and when someone is reading my journal what they’ll think. It’s not just a bunch of “woe is me” shit in there. I’ve written down parts of stories I want to complete. I’ve jotted down ideas for comics I want to start. Tonight I just wrote down a conversation I was having with myself in my head and wanted to put it on the record so to speak.

Right now I’m drinking this Wild Turkey and blogging, trying to make myself tired enough to go back to sleep because that’s the only relief I seem to get from the world around me, a world that I don’t think I belong to anymore; a world that I don’t think really wants me in it anymore. If there’s one thing I took away from the acid trip a couple of weeks ago it’s that this isn’t all there is to it. All the bullshit we have to go through on a daily basis, all the stress, all the worry, none of it is going to matter in the end. We’re all going to die and none of that shit goes with us (at least as far as I know. I’ve never been dead before.)

I had a friend that died the other day. He died for a minute or two and was revived. I asked him what happened. Is there a heaven? Did he see a bright light? No. He said he saw Randy Travis. So apparently Randy Travis is the afterlife and we’ll be sitting around and listening to “Digging Up Bones” for eternity. At least I enjoy that song.

Kafkaphony 2020

I used to write political posts on other blog sites. I’d write how the left and the right are both equally stupid and get those on the right calling me a liberal snowflake and those on the left calling me a Trumpster. That’s why I avoid political blogs these days and speaking my mind concerning politics. It leads to nothing but name calling and bashing other people. No one can have a civil debate, especially not on the internet. It just leads to one great big free-for-all of shit slinging.

It was fun seeing all those who took politics so seriously getting riled up over what some unknown on the internet said about their political party? Who cares what political party someone aligns themselves with? Neither party gives a flying fuck about you. Why should you give a flying fuck about them?

I don’t know if it’s laziness on my part or apathy or what. I do pay attention to the news, but I don’t see the need to get involved with any of it. I’ll never change anyone’s mind and they’ll never change mine. I shouldn’t say never. If you have a valid point and solid arguments then my opinion can be swayed. I’m stubborn, I’m not stupid. When facts are represented to me as facts then I can bow out and say, “OK. You’re right.”

That’s the problem. Too many people are concerned with being right and the internet allows them that freedom. They can argue all through the day and night and no one is going to convince them of what they already believe because it’s the internet. You don’t have to have an informed opinion. You can just post whatever link you found as proof and say, “There. My work is done for the day.” Does it matter that the website you posted the link to is satire and isn’t mean to be taken seriously? No, because you posted it as fact and it’s going to remain a fact to you no matter what other people say. They can link you to sites debunking the one you posted, but you can just call that site biased and left- or -right leaning and call it a day.

I believe in total freedom as far as free speech is concerned. You should be allowed to be as bigoted, hateful, and stupid as you want. I don’t even believe in suppressing hate speech because it’s free speech. It’s when you set out to physically harm other human beings is when I have the problem. The left- and right-leaning on these websites only believe in freedom when it suits them. They want freedom of speech for themselves, but not for those who think or believe differently than they do.

To me the only people who shouldn’t have free speech are hippies … and juggalos … and the left … and the right. OK, so only I should be allowed to have free speech and everyone else should have the right to shut the fuck up.

Kafkaphony 2020.

Bullshit 2020

You never want to tell another person you’re feeling suicidal. You don’t know what that person is going to do. They may call emergency services, which I’ve had happen before. I’ve been honest with my psychiatrist and have told her the times I’ve felt suicidal. She understands that that comes with the territory of depression and bipolar disorder. I’m not actively seeking to kill myself. Today I’ve just felt a little off and not myself.

I hate how my moods fluctuate so much. It’s been this way for me for as long as I can remember. Right now I’m lying in bed and just wanting to not feel. I don’t want to be here anymore. This feeling may pass tomorrow, it may continue into next week. My brain’s just all fucked up. I just know that right here and right now that I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to face tomorrow. I don’t know what to do about it, either. I never know what to do about it.

I take that back. I sleep. I sleep as long as I possibly can. I slept for a total of 16 hours today and I’m still tired. I plan on turning in soon and I don’t plan on waking up to do anything tomorrow except let the dogs out when they start whining that they’re ready to go out. I remember when my dog, Denver, who passed away over a year ago now would let me know he was ready for his walk I’d get up with a grunt and go, “OK, boy. Hang on and let me get my shoes on and we’ll go.” Now with the two I have I just let them out the door and let them do whatever because I can’t muster up any energy. It seems like the older I get, the worse things get.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to socialize with others. When I agree to socialize with other people on a certain day and that day comes I start to wish and hope for them to cancel whatever plans we have already made.

Eyes closed, unconscious, dead to the world. That’s how I’d like to be right now. Instead I am in bed, typing this shit out, wishing for this life to be over because I’ve seen enough of it and what it has to offer (which isn’t much as far as I’ve been able to see.) Whatever happiness comes my way doesn’t stay for long and slips from my fingers within a short amount of time and it gets tiring. Happiness is such a tease.

People think that the new year is going to bring with it new opportunities, but it never does. It’s the same shit but with a different number attached to it. Bullshit 2019 will turn into Bullshit 2020 which will turn into Bullshit 2021 and so forth and so on. It’s ritualistic if you think about it. We all do the same thing over and over again and think nothing of it, and this is what we’re supposed to be happy about. Why?

What’s My Drug of Choice? Well, What Have You Got?

I remember reading a blog some time ago on another site by some old fuck that lives in her own little world and refuses to accept that the world changes, and she refuses to accept that sometimes people can’t help their situations. One particular blog of hers was about drug addiction, which was something she clearly knew nothing about. “People who use drugs have no one to blame but themselves. They had the choice to use drugs or not to use drugs and they chose to do it so they shouldn’t be helped.”

I was talking to my brother-in-law about this. We used the example of a party one time. No one goes to a party and just blurts out, “So who’s got heroin in this motherfucker?” A lot of the time heroin stems from an addiction to opiates, which are prescribed by doctors to manage pain. We as humans will find any way possible to eliminate the pain in our lives, whether it’s physical or emotional.

I started drinking and using pills when I was 19 or so. I’ve used coke, still smoke weed, drink occasionally (but have recently discovered that I can’t drink alone anymore. I won’t drink alone anymore.) Also, as I mentioned in my previous blog, I tripped on acid for the first time this past weekend. We’re all looking for ways to avoid, ignore, or eliminate pain. I don’t know too many people who become addicts because they’re happy. No one drinks alone because they’re entertaining happy thoughts. Those of us who use are trying to mask, hide, and again, eliminate pain. We’ll go through any lengths to do it.

I know what depression is like. I’ve struggled with it since my teens. It’s not something that’s easy to live with and it’s not something I’d wish on another person. Then again, maybe I would just so someone else could walk a day in my shoes to know what the pain is like. I commented on a friend of mine’s blog about depression, saying:

Sadness and depression are two very different things. I have felt sat before and I struggle with depression. Sadness is the loss of a job, the feeling you have after a fight with your partner, failing that test you studied so hard for.

Depression is wanting out. There is nothing to life and you go along every day and wonder why you still bother in the first place. It’s feeling that nothing is ever going to get better and dreading the days ahead. It’s sleeping the day away because you can’t bring yourself to face it. It’s just not wanting to play anymore as David Foster Wallace said in Infinite Jest. Nothing brings you joy but the nothingness of being unconscious somehow whether it’s from sleeping or being passed out from the night before.

It’s why we choose things that are bad for us to handle the pain. We drink, we do drugs, we try to numb the pain anyway we can because it’s physical and mental. You don’t feel anything when you’re on drugs. That’s the feeling we want … the feeling of not feeling at all.

It’s why so many who suffer from depression commit suicide. They want an out. They’re done with playing and have realized this life has nothing to give them.

I struggle every day with the feeling of not wanting to feel. I lie in bed and sleep for hours on end because I just don’t want to know what the day holds for me and I don’t care. I just want to be out of it. I want to be put into a coma so I won’t have to be dead, but I won’t have to deal with what’s going on in my mind anymore, either.

Knowing this, how could you say you don’t understand why people turn to drugs? It’s easier, faster, and sometimes cheaper than therapy.

You can’t understand a user’s mind
But try, with your books and degrees
If you let yourself go and opened your mind
I’ll bet you’d be doing like me and it isn’t so bad

Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart

I tripped on acid for the very first time in my life over the weekend. I’d always wanted to try psychedelics, but never knew anyone who had any. I wanted to start small with mushrooms or something along those lines, but when someone I knew said, “Hey. I’ve got some acid. Wanna drop some with me?” My immediate response was “Hell yeah!”

We each took the sugar cubes and I knew it’d take a while to kick in so we just kind of sat outside in the dark. I was taking in the surroundings, which I always do when I’m outside anyway. I live in a very secluded area. There are a lot of trees, forests, pastures, etc. The first thing I started to notice were the Christmas lights that were strung all along the neighbor’s fence to her property. They started to move up and down much like you would imagine a rollercoaster in motion. They started to form shapes and patterns the likes of which I’d never seen.

The darkness from before lifted and all I could see was colorful light. Bright lights that illuminated the grass, the trees, the sky. It was the sky splitting open and exposing its true self, very welcoming. I felt a wave of euphoria wash over me as I stared at my surroundings and took everything in. It was like someone had taken a paint brush and painted the world over, the colors spiraling out and back in and then out again.

I felt every bubble of the soda I was drinking going through my entire body, passing along each and every taste bud. I had to let the soda sit in my mouth for a moment because the feeling and taste were unlike anything I’d ever tried before. I stared into nature and allowed myself to experience the waves of energy that have always been there, but I could never perceive before. There is something all around us at all times that it can be difficult to perceive, but on acid, the other realms and dimensions that we exist in become easier to feel. The next day I felt a little drained emotionally, but I also felt cleansed at the same time.

That’s all I can say about my first trip. There was so much more to it, but I don’t know how I’d even begin to put it into words. I should have blogged at the exact moment I was tripping, but I don’t know if it would have made sense then either. If you’re thinking about trying it for the first time, do your research. I researched acid for a long time as I tossed the idea around in my head concerning whether or not I wanted to try it. I’m glad I did, and I’d happily do it again.

LSD score: 10 out of 10. Would try again.

 

Drinking, Drugs, and Skydiving

I’ve mentioned that my grandmother has Alzheimer’s. I’ve been helping my mom take care of her for the past five years. On Monday she had a stroke and was unable to communicate with my cousin or myself. She had fallen off her bed and was unable to get back up. We could tell she was in pain, but we didn’t want to move her because we didn’t want to further damage anything she may have broken. We sat there while I was on the phone with 9-1-1, waiting for the paramedics to arrive. None of us knew what to do. My cousin was a mess. She could do nothing but cry. I’ve never been good at comforting others. I can tell jokes and make smart ass remarks all day to make you laugh, but I’m not a hugger and never have been. The only thing I knew to do was to give my cousin one of my anti-anxiety meds to calm her down.

My grandmother is still in the hospital. It was determined she did indeed have a stroke and she has bleeding on the brain. We’ve been told it’s only a matter of time and that we should be thinking about hospice care for her at this point. I’ve made my peace with it. I think it will be a relief to myself as well as my mom. I don’t know what triggered it, but I had a breakdown tonight, just thinking that “So that’s what life has in store for me if I live that long?” I want know part of it. I was looking up states where it’s legal for assisted suicide and I believe that’s what I want to do. I’ll sign whatever papers I need to in order for someone somewhere to take me out of this world if I can’t do it on my own.

I don’t want to be trapped inside my own body that’s no longer working. I don’t want to be trapped inside my own mind half the time already. I mentally shut down tonight and could do nothing but let the tears flow. I guess I’m only human after all and I hate it. None of us are getting any younger. I try to ignore it and mask whatever pain I feel because of it with whatever drugs I have readily available, whether they’ve been prescribed to me or I’ve bought them from a friend or a friend of a friend.

I don’t know how normal people deal with life sucking so much, but I’ve found my way and it’s through substances; substances and sleep. I just want to drift off into darkness until the next day arrives and do it all over again. Is that what we all do? Does everyone just find ways of distracting themselves from the pain of reality and daily life? Do we all take whatever drug is thrown our way whether it’s pills, alcohol, sex, sleep, television, etc.? I even wonder about people who jump from airplanes and parachute and bungee jump. Are they just looking for some type of escape from the emptiness that consumes their lives?

How can we judge people who take drugs or drink when we’re all just looking for our own way to get by in life?