Ramblings After My Psychiatrist Visit

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and laid everything on the table that had been bothering me. I was honest, which I never have been in the past with any psychologist or psychiatrist I’ve had … not fully anyway. I have to fill out a little questionnaire every time I’m sitting in the waiting room as I wait for her to call me into her office. “On a scale of 0 – 3, how are you feeling today?”

“On a scale of 0 – 3, how hard was it getting out of bed for you?”

Things of that nature. Three being the most difficult. I answered three on everything except the suicide question because I know from past experiences that when you’re feeling suicidal, you never want to tell someone you’re feeling suicidal. I wouldn’t even tell any of you I’m feeling suicidal. One day you just won’t hear from me anymore. Deal? Deal.

If you’ve been following my blog then you’ll know things haven’t been going as smoothly as I’d like. I told her this much. She asked what had been going on. I sat back and took a deep breath and was forthright. “I just wake up every day and think that I’m done with this whole thing,” as I motioned with my arms. “This whole life bullshit. I’m done. I’ve had enough. I’m not going to kill myself when I get home. I’m not going to kill myself tomorrow or next week. I’m just done with life and what it has to offer. I’m not impressed. I get the gist. We wake up to do the same thing day in and day out, especially me. Nothing ever changes. Everything stays the same. The only thing that changes for me is what kind of confrontation I’m going to have with my grandmother that day because she doesn’t know what reality is anymore.”

It’s nearly impossible for me to get out of bed most days. I have to drag myself out of bed. The first time I do it is to just take a piss, but then I climb right back in and go back to sleep. All I’m doing is looking for an escape, and I told her that much. I just want out. I don’t know what it is to be happy and I’m not sure if I’ve ever known that. She asked if I could go back and change anything at all what would I have changed to set things on a different course to happiness. “I would have told my parents to use a rubber because I sure as shit didn’t ask to be brought into this world.” I think that’s where the problem starts. Too often we have people bringing in other people who are full of emotional and mental issues that they were born with and that could have been prevented by just not being here in the first place. Now we’re stuck here unless we decide to check ourselves out or someone or something does it for us. At this moment in time I lack the constitution for suicide, but in a few years’ time … who knows?

Anhedonia is a real bitch. I was thinking that was I was walking my dog an hour ago. I miss my old dog Denver. I miss how he’d wake me up, excited and ready to go for walks. I miss everything about that dog. I have a dog now that I ended up with just because I have a soft spot for dogs in general and she was being treated poorly by her owner. She’s the opposite of me. She loves people, but doesn’t like other dogs. I love dogs, but don’t like other people. I can’t introduce her to other dogs and hope they’ll enjoy each other’s company because she wants to be a cunt. I was walking her earlier and just thinking, “I just wish I could get rid of you.” I felt terrible for thinking that, but at times I’d like to take her to a no-kill animal shelter, but then I’d feel like an asshole and I’d feel that way for the rest of my life because I’d just be one more person in that dog’s life that gave up on her. It’s just not the same with her as it was with Denver. I want Denver back, but that’s not going to happen. His ashes are going to continue to sit in the urn in the living room and all I have are memories.

That’s something else people say that doesn’t help ever. “At least you have all those good memories with him.” Those good memories just start to remind me of what a great dog I had and how he’s no longer here anymore. Memories aren’t always a good thing. They’re rarely a good thing because they remind you of a point in your life when things were better and then you shake your head and realize you’re no longer in that moment anymore. It has passed and it’s never coming back, but you have to keep going on without it.

Am I making progress with my therapy? I don’t know. It’s nice to have someone to talk to and I’m glad I was able to get my meds refilled. I’ve been without them for a while now so I’ll get them refilled at some point today and get back to you once they’ve worked their way back into my system. At this point, right here, right now, I just want to be in a coma for a few months. I want complete and total silence and darkness. I don’t want to be conscious or think about anything. I started to ask my doctor to prescribe me some kind of drug – any kind of drug – to just make me feel … nothing.

Things Are Great … Until I Wake Up

I’ve shrunk back into my shell as of late. I don’t want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I don’t think a lot of people get that. They say they understand, but I don’t believe they do. “I understand. Do you want to talk about it?” isn’t understanding. I just want to be left alone. I haven’t been online or answering texts or anything of the like because I just don’t want to.

The depression has set back in again on top of the stress of looking after my grandmother, which gets worse with each passing day. I have to make sure she’s not wandering outside, which I just caught her trying to do. It’s hard to find time to take a shower because in those few moments that I’m in the shower I don’t know if she’s going to slip out the backdoor and try to go on one of her little adventures to God knows where.

The only solace I seem to get is from sleeping every chance I get. I go to bed earlier and earlier just so I can ignore the world, ignore her. I look forward to her bedtime because it means she’s not going to hurt herself in some shape, form, or fashion. It’s nice when she keeps herself busy by sweeping or something of that nature. She does that for a good 45 minutes to an hour, but once that’s been done she’s looking for something else to get into. I said before that I swore I’d never have children, but taking care of her is just like taking care of one. We’ve even discussed putting locks on the cabinets because she’s been caught twice trying to drink dish detergent.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow so I suppose I’m going to have to tell her all about how my moods have plummeted since the last visit. I have been without my meds for a few weeks so I don’t know if that has something to do with it, or maybe I just want to feel numb to all of this. I want to sit down and space out and not really be here. I don’t want to be in my head, either. I just want to be far away mentally. Maybe hypnosis would help? I don’t know if I really believe in hypnosis. I just want to be happy, or content at the very least. I don’t want to struggle day-to-day with all of these intrusive thoughts that I have. I don’t want to worry anymore about what tomorrow is going to bring.

I just want to check out. I want to call it quits. I know I can’t, but how I do think about it daily. Like I said, the only solace I get is when I’m sleeping. I remember something a friend of mine said a while back when I asked how he was doing: “Everything was going great until I woke up.” I know how that feels all too well. We laughed at the comment back then, but as the days pass by it’s not so funny to me anymore when it’s my reality.

When you’re torn between not wanting to wake up and not wanting to die, either … what do you do?

Anti-Natalism and Mental Illness Mash-Up

I’m back again. This is my second post of the night. A lot of my posts deal with my discussing my mental illness as well as my anti-natalist views. I figured why not post a blog that touches on both of these topics? People get the wrong impression as far as anti-natalists are concerned. They think we’re a bunch of misanthropic assholes who just think the world should burn. I’m not going to lie, I am pretty misanthropic, but I consider myself a philanthropic misanthrope. I try to do good by others and extend a hand if someone needs help, but if the human race were to die out tomorrow then I think it’d be for the best and we had it coming for a long time anyway.

Mental illness seems to run in my family. Dad was bipolar. My sister’s bipolar. My mom suffers from depression and anxiety. I think about people who have mental illness in their family who have children and wonder why they decided to have said children. I wonder the same thing about people who have issues such as diabetes, cancer, and things of that nature that run in their families. Why do you want to pass these things onto other people? It’s cruel if you ask me.

People don’t consider what they may be putting their offspring through nor what they may be putting themselves through. I’ll never have children so I’ll never experience the pain of losing a child, but for those out there who suffer with mental illness and have passed it onto their children, what if your children don’t deal with it as well as you do? What if they can’t or don’t get the help they need and do something drastic? It could lead to something tragic, something tragic that could have been avoided had you just not decided to procreate in the first place.

Procreation isn’t fair to the unborn. You’re giving them a life that they didn’t ask for and quite possibly a life they’re going to not end up wanting as they get older. What then? I suppose you could get them help with a professional and get them on some meds, but those don’t always work. Speaking from experience, I’ve been through my share of meds and therapies to try to “get better” and I still struggle daily with thoughts of suicide. They haven’t been as prominent in recent months, but they’re still at the back of my mind. What’s usually on my mind these days is wishing I’d never been born in the first place.

I, like billions of others, had no say in this matter. I just struggle to understand why my parents wanted to have me knowing what ran in the family. Is it any surprise to anyone that I’d be stuck here suffering through the same issues, suffering with the same thoughts and feelings? The shitty part is that I think as I get older, it gets worse. I’m just getting closer and closer to the grave and for some reason it’s starting to worry me a bit and I don’t know why. I wasn’t always afraid of death like I am now.

Why do you want to put others through things like this? It’s not fair to them. We all know life isn’t fair so spare others from experiencing that. Spare others from experiencing thoughts of their own demise. Spare others from the stigma that’s associated with mental illness. Just spare others from pain by leaving them in whatever realm they’re in before this thing called life begins.

I Like the Way You Work It. No Dignity.

Everything is testing my patience today. For one thing the two dogs are restless and I just want them to settle down for the night, but that’s not my main issue. That’s just a minor inconvenience at the moment. They’ll eventually calm down. The main problem I’m having is family related. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but my grandmother has dementia. I’ve been helping my mother take care of her for the past five years. My grandfather had it as well, but he passed three years ago (or maybe it was two years ago. I can’t remember.)

The rest of my family lives in their own little world of denial and seem to think that she’s going to get better. There’s no cure for dementia. It gradually gets worse until the person’s brain pretty much just withers away and they die. No one but my mom, my sister, and I see this for some reason.

At one point it was mentioned by one of my mom’s sisters that I do more to help with my grandmother and that triggered an “Excuse the merry fuck out of me!” response considering I do more to take care of the old bat than my aunt had ever done. I am someone who constantly says how much I do not want children and stand quite firm when it comes to that. I don’t want to take care of a child, much less a 90-year-old woman who acts like a child. If you don’t believe me then spend an afternoon with the woman and see. She pouts, throws tantrums, can’t wipe her ass (and I’m sure as fuck not going to wipe it for her. I leave that for my mom and aunts.)

I’m dealing with my own mental illness and on my particularly bad days it takes all I have to crawl out of bed. I do what I can because my mom asks me to do it and I want to help my mom since she’s done so much for me all these years. I know my mom doesn’t fully understand my mental illness, but that’s my fault for not really opening up about it like I should. She does understand a bit of it, though. She has also informed her sisters about it and that I’m not capable of taking care of someone else with a mental illness like dementia.

It seems like a game of catch when it comes to my grandmother, just tossing her around from one family member to the other. In all honesty, I wish they’d just put her in a home. That may sound cruel to some of you out there reading this, but I think it’d be the best thing for her. She can get constant care. My mom and one of her sisters both work full-time jobs, which is why I’ve stepped in over the past five years to help out. My mom’s other sister is retired and who the fuck knows why she doesn’t just take her? She’s too worried about it cutting into her vacations she takes with her husband, I suppose.

I’ve been stressed ever since my grandmother returned and I’ve been avoiding her in order to avoid a fight. I used to never swear around her, but there was a time a few months back where she was fighting me as far as taking her medication and I had to yell at her, “Take your fucking pills!” Do I sound like the kind of person suited for this fucking job? I didn’t think so, either.

I don’t know why living into old age is something people strive for. If you’re going to lose your mind then you might as well take yourself out because it’s not pretty. Fuck dying with dignity. There’s no such thing.

Dead Before 40

I don’t know how to describe what I feel. I’ve been told that I write well, but when it comes to writing what I feel and how I react to certain situations I’m not sure how they come across to other people. I’m bipolar. My manic episodes aren’t what you think of as manic. I don’t go on these huge spending sprees or let loose and go crazy. I’m kind of simplistic manic. I’m calm and collected. It’s “hypomania.” I’m not full on manic at all. My sister is full on manic. My dad was full on manic. I don’t get those symptoms. I just feel a little better than usual. My mood is elevated more than normal. I’m not sure how to describe it.

I’m up for doing adventurous things, but nothing too risky. If someone says “Hey, want to climb a mountain today?” Fuck yeah! Let’s do that! I can carry on with my daily life when the hypomania comes along. It’s when the depression comes along that I don’t feel like myself. The depression is what gets to me. I’m just now coming out of a depressive episode which has lasted for about two months now.

I explained my moods to my psychiatrist. I go from feeling normal, which is like getting to the top of the rollercoaster, but then it plummets tremendously and I don’t know what to do with myself. I relate it back to my dog, Denver. Denver was my best friend. I had him for 14 years. He was a puppy when I first got him. I’d take him for walks every single day, twice a day. I enjoyed my walks with him. However long he wanted to walk, that’s how long we walked. I’d let him sniff whatever he wanted and just let him go about his merry way. That was me when I was feeling normal. When my depression crept in I knew things were different. I’d try to pull him back toward the house. I’d get impatient. I wanted him to do his business and let’s get back so I could just go back to bed.

Now that Denver is dead I don’t feel the need to get up for anything anymore. I sleep all day. I look at my phone and see messages from friends and I just have no desire to reply to them. There’s nothing I have to say and nothing they can say that can make things any better. I want life to just stop. I want a pause. I want an end. I want an out. I truly don’t know how to describe what I feel. I think the best way to put it is that I don’t want to feel anything at all. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel like shit about shit that I can’t control.

I think about things from my past that have been said and done and I ruminate over them and obsess over them, wishing I could take shit back. Do people that I hurt remember that I hurt them? I’ve said some stupid shit in my 32 years on this planet to people. Do people think back on stupid shit I said to them and have a good laugh about it? We all like to think that we don’t care what others think about us, but deep down I think we really do. I know I do and I have no reason to give a shit. Why should I give a fuck what I said to some asshole in kindergarten? I do, though. I give a fuck and I wonder if they think back on what I said and have a good laugh about it.

I like to think there’s an unspoken rule that things that happen or things that are said when we’re drunk don’t get mentioned when we’re all sober the next day. I know that’s not true, though. Friends of mine subtly bring up shit that I said or did years ago when I was hammered and I quickly change the subject. I don’t want to be reminded of what happened back then. It just brings up bad memories that I’d much rather forget.

I think I’ve gone off topic as I tend to do. I just know that I beat myself up when it comes to what I’ve said and done in the past and I wish there was some way I could fix that, but I don’t think that I can. I think that’s why I try so many drugs – legal and otherwise – to try to fix myself. I don’t want to remember a lot of what I’ve said and done in the past. The only solace I find is in the fact that I’m going to be dead before I reach the age of 40 and none of this is going to matter in the slightest.

You know that you tried to hide it Shouldn’t you have said what you meant? Oh…

I found out a dear friend of mine – one of my best friends since high school – tried to kill himself not too long ago. It was because of his wife. He discovered she was cheating on him. They hadn’t even been married a year (eight months.) Her reasoning? She told him that his depression and anxiety caused her to cheat. He gave me the whole story. I don’t know his wife. I’ve never met her in my life. I didn’t go to the wedding or anything for reasons I won’t get into. Eric (not his real name) has always been honest with me as far as I know. I know Eric has his issues. I have mine as well. I know Eric has always struggled with depression and anxiety just as I have. I’ve got something he has never really had though: a support system. I wish he had one so that he didn’t think he had to end his own life.

I’m thankful that he failed at killing himself, but I also feel like shit because I’m not exactly sure how to help, either. We’ve always both just joked about our mental illness. I remember one of the best jokes I ever heard — this is just his and my fucked up sense of humor — being when I hadn’t seen Eric in a while, me asking him how he’d been doing, and I asked what he’d been up to. He replied, “I go to work every day, come home and make myself some dinner; sometimes I’ll play a video game for a few hours; and occasionally I’ll stare at the noose I have hanging in my closet and say to myself, “Maybe tomorrow.” I laughed to the point where I could barely breathe.

This recent turn of events in Eric’s life got me thinking about honesty as well. People always claim they want honesty in their relationship, but do they really? Does a woman or man who has put on a few pounds really want their significant other to tell them? If someone in a relationship isn’t looking their best one day then do they want their significant other to tell them they look like shit (in a nicer way than that, of course)? If your spouse is cheating, do you really want to know?

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that people extol honesty until you’re honest with them. You can tell them all day long how you were honest with someone and they will tell you how you did the right thing, but as soon as they ask a question about themselves and demand an honest answer and you give it to them then you can consider that particular relationship or friendship finished. A husband or wife doesn’t want to know that their partner is being unfaithful. If they ask and their partner says, “No. I’m not cheating on you,” it’s better for both parties because no one gets hurt. However, if you’re caught then you might as well fess up because you know there’s no getting out of it.

I’ve never agreed with someone in a relationship cheating on their partner and just coming outright and telling their partner when their partner didn’t ask. I don’t agree with cheating, either; I want to make that perfectly clear. If your partner doesn’t ask then keep your mouth shut. If your partner asks then should you lie? I guess it depends on whether or not you’re a good liar.

Dr. Brad Blanton’s “radical honesty” isn’t going to win you any friends. Being honest with friends is going to make you lose them one day. My advice? Just stick to lying in order to save face. Read up on it if you have to in order to learn how to do it better.

Or you can just not be a piece of shit who feels the need to do shitty things to people.

I Think I’m Dumb or Maybe Just Happy

I can’t believe I just quoted Nirvana for a post of mine. I hate Nirvana. They have a handful of decent songs, but I hate how they – especially Cobain – are put on a pedestal. They’re not as great of a band as people make them out to be. I thought the quote fit for what I’m about to discuss, though.

I posted about my Bipolar 2 disorder here if you’d care to freshen up. With that being said, I’ve been feeling better mentally. I haven’t had a suicidal thought in two months, maybe. It may be longer, but who’s counting? The point is that I haven’t felt like killing myself in a couple of months and for many years before this, not a day went by where I didn’t think of some way or another about ending my life. I believe this is an improvement.

The problem is that I think the medications I’m taking are making my brain kind of turn to mush. I feel myself becoming confused. I don’t remember what I’m doing a lot of the time. I’m having trouble forming sentences. I find myself trying to find the right words when before I had an extensive vocabulary, albeit sometimes that would get sprinkled with my fair amount of profanities.

I’m happy, but I feel that my brain has been kind of jostled around. I’ve retreated inside myself more and don’t hold conversations with people very well anymore. I’ve always been an introvert, but I find myself unable to communicate with people when I want to these days. I drift off into my own thoughts, focus on things besides the topic at hand. I just get bored and fade mentally speaking. I had a conversation with my mom about it, and she recommended telling my psychiatrist about it. She asked if it concerned me. I thought about it, and it did at first thought. The more I thought about it, the less it bothered me, though.

When I really think about it, dig deep and really think, I’ve decided that I’d rather be dumb and happy than smart and depressed. I’ve been depressed for so long. I think it’s time to give happiness a try even if that means risking some brain cells.

“I’ll take a nice idiot over a smart asshole any day of the week.” -Jim Jeffries