I’ve mentioned that my grandmother has Alzheimer’s. I’ve been helping my mom take care of her for the past five years. On Monday she had a stroke and was unable to communicate with my cousin or myself. She had fallen off her bed and was unable to get back up. We could tell she was in pain, but we didn’t want to move her because we didn’t want to further damage anything she may have broken. We sat there while I was on the phone with 9-1-1, waiting for the paramedics to arrive. None of us knew what to do. My cousin was a mess. She could do nothing but cry. I’ve never been good at comforting others. I can tell jokes and make smart ass remarks all day to make you laugh, but I’m not a hugger and never have been. The only thing I knew to do was to give my cousin one of my anti-anxiety meds to calm her down.
My grandmother is still in the hospital. It was determined she did indeed have a stroke and she has bleeding on the brain. We’ve been told it’s only a matter of time and that we should be thinking about hospice care for her at this point. I’ve made my peace with it. I think it will be a relief to myself as well as my mom. I don’t know what triggered it, but I had a breakdown tonight, just thinking that “So that’s what life has in store for me if I live that long?” I want know part of it. I was looking up states where it’s legal for assisted suicide and I believe that’s what I want to do. I’ll sign whatever papers I need to in order for someone somewhere to take me out of this world if I can’t do it on my own.
I don’t want to be trapped inside my own body that’s no longer working. I don’t want to be trapped inside my own mind half the time already. I mentally shut down tonight and could do nothing but let the tears flow. I guess I’m only human after all and I hate it. None of us are getting any younger. I try to ignore it and mask whatever pain I feel because of it with whatever drugs I have readily available, whether they’ve been prescribed to me or I’ve bought them from a friend or a friend of a friend.
I don’t know how normal people deal with life sucking so much, but I’ve found my way and it’s through substances; substances and sleep. I just want to drift off into darkness until the next day arrives and do it all over again. Is that what we all do? Does everyone just find ways of distracting themselves from the pain of reality and daily life? Do we all take whatever drug is thrown our way whether it’s pills, alcohol, sex, sleep, television, etc.? I even wonder about people who jump from airplanes and parachute and bungee jump. Are they just looking for some type of escape from the emptiness that consumes their lives?
How can we judge people who take drugs or drink when we’re all just looking for our own way to get by in life?
Should I Kill Myself or Have a Cup of Coffee? 
While reading this I could feel your love and care for your family, this world and yourself. You are a precious soul overwhelmed by the depth of love and care you feel. Of all the souls that are in this world, you are a treasure. I am grateful that you write and I can be witness to the extra-ordinary depth of love possible in a human.
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I’m sorry about your gran, even when people have been sick for a long time it’s terrible for those left at home as well as the person it’s actually happening to.
Comforting others isn’t a thing that comes easy to anyone its more about just doing it, well that’s my experience and how I deal with grieving friends, you’ll know when to let go they generally lesson the grip. I think we’re also like that about life, it’s strange, wild and unpredictable, like a feral cat that gets dropped in your lap and you have to work out what to do with it quickly and without proper warning.
I’ve never jumped out of a plane but I did do stupid things in cars and it wasn’t boredom it was thrill, some people like those dangerous buzzes and the thumping heart rate that goes with it. I had a fairly introverted personal life at the time and it kept me feeling on control. There’s also a satisfaction that my life lacked, I’d mastered something dangerous and if I’m blunt – stupidly risky.
Funny I don’t feel like driving fast now I have something else to look forward to, that’s the difference maybe. Being trapped inside a body that gives you pain and misery isn’t fair, it’s far from it and if it makes you cry it’s ok, I would be doing the same, it’s my reaction to a lot of things, it’s cathartic though I find.
If I was reading a book – any book and someone had put your stuff mid-paragraph – I’d know, you’re different, you’re worth reading and you stand out, it’s like Eunice says – you’re a treasure and I think you can take that to the bank, both of us think so. x
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